Friday, May 11, 2012

Woman Under Construction

This is pretty obviously true for me, huh? I mean, I'm wearing my transformation for all the world to see! Weight gain and weight loss are so very visible, whether you want people to know you're on a weight loss journey or not doesn't really matter.

Every one of us is a work in progress. We're constantly changing, learning, and adapting. We go through periods of rapid and immense change and we go through periods of subtle or little change. This is true for every person on this planet! Neat! So many billions of humans learning and transforming, and constantly growing! I think it is pretty darned awesome.

If you're working on something like telling the truth more often, being kinder to your family, managing your finances better, or any one of the many goals we set for ourselves as we advance through life, you often have the luxury of deciding who you want to share your struggles and successes with.

Fat and the gaining or losing of it upon our bodies isn't so easy to hide from the world. While five percent of your total weight gained or lost may not be very noticeable, anything more than that will be fairly obvious.

No one ever said anything to me when I gained weight. I preferred it that way, and I may still prefer it that way. I appreciate it when people refrain from commenting on my body size without me asking them.

On the flip side, with weight loss EVERYONE has said something to me, and I've always known that losing weight would mean hearing a lot of comments about my body.

Knowing that losing weight would bring comments about my body from all over (albeit always positive and encouraging) was actually something that seriously hampered my weight loss efforts in the past.

Just hearing someone say something as plain as "You look great" would cause me to feel really hurt and angry. The reason is pretty simple. I had become quite adept at shutting out the idea that people may be judging me, but its not possible to believe no one is paying attention to your weight and your body size if they keep commenting on your weight loss.

Every positive comment, no matter the content, showed that people DID notice my body and my weight. Not only that, but every positive comment seemed to carry with it the implication that I was BETTER as a thinner person, which also implied to me that I was somehow WORSE when I was bigger.

I still have these conflicted feelings. I'm thankful that people are proud of me and happy for me, but every positive comment does bring a bit of bitterness out. ESPECIALLY when the comment comes from either my mother or my father. This is likely because I have a lot of unresolved anger in general towards my parents regarding my weight and that is a can of worms for another day I think : )

This is one of those weight loss issues that I haven't confronted yet, hopefully I'll find a way to resolve my feelings about it someday. I'll definitely share when/if I do!
Conflicted Fatty is Conflicted

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