Major depression, such a pain in the ass. Seriously.

It's been a few months since I wrote this post; its been sitting in my draft folder while I worked up the courage to hit the 'Publish' button.

One day I saw myself in my mind's eye. My mouth was opening and stretching into a grotesque cavern. The skin on my face peeled and contorted as the pain grew so that I couldn't maintain a mask. This was a face that was screaming, and there was no sound. It dawned on me with an impossible terror that this nightmare face was not in my mind's eye. This was me, standing barefoot in front of a bathroom mirror. The face so terrifying it churned vomit in my belly was my own face. My real face. Absently, I think that I am finally seeing my depression. That whatever consciousness which was seeing this gruesome face was me, and the real face reflected was finally the beast tangible. There. Right there, that is what is hurting me. That thing right in front of me, a thing which is somehow me and not me.

 "One day you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wurtzel

That is what happened to me. From the onset of my suicidal ideation problems, when I was 9 or 10 or 11, I believed I would die before or around age 21. I don't know why that age specifically, like why do people believe in Santa? When 21 came to pass, the reality of the never-ending storm took hold of me in a vice grip. This was never going to end. My depression would never have the kindness to let me die of it. I would not develop inoperable brain cancer. I would not be mercifully crushed in a car accident, or shot on a midnight walk. I was going to live. Live and suffer for years. The thing inside me would tear and claw and I would bleed and bleed, but never die.

I choose to believe that there may someday be a day when I am cured, but to protect myself, I don't count on it.

The truth is that I am prepared to fight indefinitely. At some point I stopped letting thoughts of suicide be at all forbidden. I then did my best to really look at what I believed about life and living. I weighed what I thought and believed and I chose to fight the depression & the suicidal ideation and to do my best to live as long and as full of a life as I possibly could. The power of making that choice is the power I have harnessed for my life going forward. That is the power I return to when I feel the expanding cavern of depression in my abdomen. It is my foundation for the life I build from now onward.

Look, I get that this is uncomfortable to read. I'm not sorry for sharing it, though (or at least I'm trying not to be)
. See, since the onset of my depression when I was but a wee lass, I have always been hiding all of my symptoms with a feverish passion. Part of trying to heal myself is trying not to be afraid to share what I'm going through, even if its pants-poopingly scary. I read somewhere that an obstacle to overcoming Depression is that we "get good at" being depressed, and hiding is how I do that. So in an effort to overcome yet another aspect of this damn irritating illness, I'm writing a little of what I feel here.

Oh and don't worry, I have an appointment to see a therapist in a few days, and I've been seeing someone else for med management stuff. So at this point I don't intervention-style need help, I'm just tired of being silent about my illness. I'm tired of the pressure to say nothing.

At Camp They Call Me Tomato

At camp they call me Tomato.


It's something I love about my life, and myself, that there is a place in this world where I am Tomato.


Everything is right when I am Tomato.


Part of what makes my Tomato-ness so exquisitely wonderful, is that I know I am loved, and accepted, all the way down to my salsa center.


This blog, my tumblr, my twitter, my youtube and any other spaces I may create in the future are places of respect and consideration.


In kindergarten, they used to give us 'R & C' slips for being respectful or considerate, but it took me many years to understand that R & C is the core of love, and the answer to eliminating what drives us to hate and hurt each other.


If you have something to add to a post I've written, or a video I've uploaded, share! If you outright disagree with what I'm saying, share!!! 


Your thoughts matter to me, your opinions matter to me, your perspective and your life experience are precious and I will be honored if you choose to share any of it with me.


Please know that this blog is a place where your voice will be heard (and you don't have to agree with me, not even a little!)


If you are reading these words I love you and I want you here. You are welcome here, and I will do everything in my power to give you the respect and consideration that you ALWAYS deserve.


This is a place where you matter.


Love Tiff!

The Crayon Wall

Nearly every day I walk an hour around the marsh at noon. On every walk I have a different daydream, this is one I wanted to share with you, since its about you. 

The daydream goes like this: 

I'm walking in line in a hallway. As far as I can tell, there are infinite people in line ahead of me, and infinite people in line behind me. 
At the beginning of the dream I feel uncomfortable. I don't see anyone's faces. I feel as if I don't belong here. 
The walls are grey, white, beige. The carpet is threadbare, worn down by a billion shuffling feet. 
There is no sound in the hallway, I feel like its possible there are souls in the bodies in line ahead of me and behind me, but I am unable to communicate with them. I don't see that anyone is trying to communicate with me. 

I want a box of crayons, and now I have it. Stopping in line, I turn to the wall and begin to draw and write on it. Right there on the wall. Though I KNOW its not allowed, someone will yell at me. You aren't supposed to draw on the wall. Its not your wall, you're not allowed, its not okay. 
I'm not worried about getting in trouble. 
The threat has only a tiny voice compared to the roaring in my ears. I have to get the roaring sound in my head onto the wall. 
So I use my colors, I draw scribbles at first, then stick people and flowers, blue fish, red fruits, green trees, orange fires. The more I draw the better I feel. I'm not afraid of the hallway anymore. I don't feel anxious. Sometimes I stand up and walk a bit down the line again, when I need more space, or I need to take a break and think about what to draw next. 
I start to write messages on the wall. 
You are beautiful. 
You are a miracle. 
I love you. 
I now feel right about the hallway and the line. I can see that there are pictures all over the wall. Layers and layers of messages, colors painted by the hands that were there before me. Its easy to see I was never alone in line. I know we're all connected, and we're all communicating. When I see a happy message I feel happy, I feel loved, and I make my own happy message. I know that whoever sees my message will feel happy too, and know that I love them. 

Too fat to wear a bikini

The following is a belief I had for a long time, that I changed once I used my goofy noggin to examine it!

I am too fat to wear a bikini.

Hmm. Last July there was a really adamant voice telling me that a bikini was not something I could wear unless I was properly "skinny". But was it the actual fat tissue that was stopping me from stepping one foot and then the other into bikini bottoms and tying on a cute top? I didn't have any trouble getting a bra or panties on my body, and the bikini doesn't seem super different from those things...

Would they stop me at the checkout line and say "We're sorry, you are simply too fat to purchase that bikini."? ...I'm pretty sure they actually just want my money.

Weren't there people in the world who would be totally grossed out by my fleshy roly-poly tummy? Wouldn't they say nasty mean things to me and about my body? Well yeah. But what kind of person would they be? They'd be the kind of person who thinks they're physical beauty ideals are more important than my bikini wearing happiness, right? I decided to take pleasure in their displeasure; to welcome their disgust while simultaneously causing it. If I could get that kind of person to actually vomit, then that would be the ultimate success! Trololololololol ;D

But what about the nasty mean comments? Well, from what I've seen on the internet, people leave nasty mean comments no matter what you do. They also seem to REALLY enjoy making those comments. Wouldn't it be nice of me to give them an opportunity to make nasty mean comments? I'm such a nice lady ;)

After thinking about it, I decided I really wanted to wear a bikini, though I had never ever done so before! What was really stopping me was my belief that so much of my flesh should not be seen by another person, more specifically, that the offensive flesh of my tummy must be hidden or else!

Well, 256lb Tiffy looked down at her soft, white, large and roly-poly tummy and it didn't really seem like it could be all THAT dangerous. So I went and bought a bikini.

AND THEN I JIGGLED IN IT.

I have this blog thing that I write in. I am a person that loses weight without paying anyone money for it. I share tips and things. I have a youtube channel also and I put videos on it that I have been told "will never go away"

Is my fat really stopping me?

What weight loss means to me

The quickest way for me to lose 50+ pounds would be to amputate a few limbs. Bam! Instant weight loss success story!

...Or maybe not?

When we talk about weight loss, we are really talking about changing our body composition. We are aiming to use up some of the extra fat stored on our bodies, and there's about a million reasons why people choose to try to do that.

The big common reasons, though,  are to look more physically "appealing" or to be healthier, and more capable of doing physical activities, sometimes a combination of the two.

I encourage you to take just a few moments to be curious about the actual physical limitations that fat tissue creates. Does its physical presence prevent you from chasing your dream? Does fat cause the inability to think or feel? To love, smile, or laugh? To help others and share your advice and experiences with the world? Are you telling yourself that fat is in your way for something it really isn't?

Its very liberating to realize and understand that the fat on our bodies is NOT actually a deterrent for many of the things we think it is. The physical fat tissue in your body does not prevent you from feeling a warm summer breeze, from watching a duck look after her ducklings, from thinking about the meaning of life, from smiling, laughing, loving and being happy.

Fat tissue just isn't as limiting as we take it to be. Fat Stigma is another matter ...for another post I think.

It's a very healthy practice to be open, aware, and curious about what you are telling yourself about yourself! Be curious about what you believe about fat, fat tissue, fat people, all these things. Why do you believe what you believe? Do some of your beliefs contradict each other?

Finding the strength and courage to question what you assume and believe about ANYTHING is a difficult endeavor, but it can also be exquisitely liberating.
(and fun! ...and it may lead to jiggles!!!!!)

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, OMG.
~Tiff

Further Reading and Resources:

Geneen Roth on being more valuable than your weight
Stop Hating Your Body, A Body Positive Tumblr

Woman Under Construction

This is pretty obviously true for me, huh? I mean, I'm wearing my transformation for all the world to see! Weight gain and weight loss are so very visible, whether you want people to know you're on a weight loss journey or not doesn't really matter.

Every one of us is a work in progress. We're constantly changing, learning, and adapting. We go through periods of rapid and immense change and we go through periods of subtle or little change. This is true for every person on this planet! Neat! So many billions of humans learning and transforming, and constantly growing! I think it is pretty darned awesome.

If you're working on something like telling the truth more often, being kinder to your family, managing your finances better, or any one of the many goals we set for ourselves as we advance through life, you often have the luxury of deciding who you want to share your struggles and successes with.

Fat and the gaining or losing of it upon our bodies isn't so easy to hide from the world. While five percent of your total weight gained or lost may not be very noticeable, anything more than that will be fairly obvious.

No one ever said anything to me when I gained weight. I preferred it that way, and I may still prefer it that way. I appreciate it when people refrain from commenting on my body size without me asking them.

On the flip side, with weight loss EVERYONE has said something to me, and I've always known that losing weight would mean hearing a lot of comments about my body.

Knowing that losing weight would bring comments about my body from all over (albeit always positive and encouraging) was actually something that seriously hampered my weight loss efforts in the past.

Just hearing someone say something as plain as "You look great" would cause me to feel really hurt and angry. The reason is pretty simple. I had become quite adept at shutting out the idea that people may be judging me, but its not possible to believe no one is paying attention to your weight and your body size if they keep commenting on your weight loss.

Every positive comment, no matter the content, showed that people DID notice my body and my weight. Not only that, but every positive comment seemed to carry with it the implication that I was BETTER as a thinner person, which also implied to me that I was somehow WORSE when I was bigger.

I still have these conflicted feelings. I'm thankful that people are proud of me and happy for me, but every positive comment does bring a bit of bitterness out. ESPECIALLY when the comment comes from either my mother or my father. This is likely because I have a lot of unresolved anger in general towards my parents regarding my weight and that is a can of worms for another day I think : )

This is one of those weight loss issues that I haven't confronted yet, hopefully I'll find a way to resolve my feelings about it someday. I'll definitely share when/if I do!

Conflicted Fatty is Conflicted

There are no tater tots in the desert

My cat and I are like peas and carrots. We are both fairly stupid and enjoy making faces at cameras. (and we eat kibble)

FAILURE, ATTITUDE, and SELF ESTEEM

What do I think about these things? I will tell you.

 Going along with the theme of my video this week (There is no Fail) I'm gonna jot down some thoughts and observations here about maintenance, "failure" and falling off the wagon. First I'm going to share something with you:

I weigh myself daily.

That's right, that thing nearly every fucking diet or exercise program  or weight loss blog tells you to NEVER EVER DO? I do that. I am a contrary beast, but more than that I am the master of my weight loss journey and my self. I wasn't always. A big change I've done that is part of my "diet" is to be more aware of EVERYTHING I do with my life, and my body. I pay attention to things, and I don't just accept what people tell me.

IN FACT I usually tell people to Eff themselves (mentally of course) when they give me unasked for advice. I don't care what you think. I'm doing it my way, the way I want to, at the pace I choose. Weight loss is a completely selfish endeavor and I am unapologetic about it. This is a good thing.

Weighing myself daily has been one of my favorite aspects of weight loss. I love to look at my graph. I love to know exactly what I weighed this morning. I am not afraid of the scale, I am not afraid of weight gain and fluctuations. I trust myself and I trust my diet and I am curious as all get out about the nitty gritty details.

I read all over about how weighing yourself daily is supposed to be a bad idea because you will get discouraged and blah blah blah. That is really only a problem if you don't have the backbone or the perspective to understand what your daily weight really is.

My roommate is amazed at how unfazed I am when I see a 6 pound gain in as short a time as two days, but I know its not "FAT" weight, and that it will go back down fairly quickly.

I think having a "binge/normal caloric intake" weekend at least once a month is a very good thing. Its been happening to me naturally, and then my diet goes back to being more intense. Like I said in my video, its good to give your body a break and let it know you aren't starving in the desert.

Go eat some tater tots. Your body knows there are no tater tots in the desert.